Being Real

Hi, I don't know most of you but welcome to this rare view into my heart.

The last several months have been trying. While still mourning the loss of the baby we will never know, I have to go on everyday just the same. Talking about it seems silly when people consider it a mass of cells, no better than a chicken. For only a few short weeks we were in love with that baby whose heart would never beat. That child was a combination of mine and my husbands love, not a blob of tissue. I think I get lower with each passing month that yields a negative test; I want my baby back! I need to trust God more. 

Often times, I feel alone in the world. I'm surrounded by opposition at every turn. It seems my husband and children are the only ones who are safe. I am regularly feeling invisible, the odd man out. I know people don't like me, including some of my own family. My husband says, "why do you care? We love you". I shouldn't let it bother me, but who enjoys not being liked? It would be so much easier to "fit in".I know this will never happen. I have chosen a life that just doesn't fit in.

I'm solely a woman trying to make the best of what I have; to be able to express my love, beliefs and convictions and raise my girls into, good, honest, loving, caring and godly young women. I feel at times I'm thought of as unloving, uncaring, hateful. It would be nice if everyone saw what my husband and children see. Am I a bit rough around the edges? Perhaps. However, I LOVE my family and my friends, and would do anything for them. I would lay down my own life for my husband and my children. My loyalty is steadfast. 


Still, I feel attacked on every angle these last few months. Most recently an individual has found it amusing to semi-anonymously mock me and then lie about it and cause my integrity to be questionable in front of my own family. This makes my heart break. I'm not a dishonest person. I'm not a crazy person. I have never done anything malicious to this person. I have feelings. I'm a person too. I have found that those who preach words like equality and tolerance are not proponents of either one entirely. Rather, they only want others to be tolerant of what they believe to be true and right. Causing strife, and attempting to defame someone to their own family, is plain callous.


Recently I've found it comforting to stay up late and read my Bible and cry by myself. I really need to pull out of this rut. I should stop feeling sorry for myself. It's stupid. What kind of sappy, inadequate woman am I? Christ suffered so much, more than I ever will,and here Iam being a weak, lame, baby. 


Most days are wonderful. I hope and pray that I can get past this hard part in my life. I hope those who feel the need to poke fun at me will go away. My words don't always come out the way they were supposed to; this can lead to not seeming very smart. I'm pretty sure I've always been above average. I always got put in those smart classes. *sheepish grin* I can still try to be funny can't I?

Thanks for reading my ridiculous post. I have to be up in 2 hours to fix my husband's lunch and coffee. Good night. And if it's not too much to ask, please say a prayer for me. I really need one.